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Okay, so actually this happened on our way home from the movies, but oh well. What are you gonna do
about it? Anyway, Kelsey and I are driving home from seeing The Incredibles (a great movie) and we've got her nephew
Blake in the car as well. Now, for those of you who don't know, Kelsey drives a 1987 Chevy Nova. It's not waterproof,
but it can jump over large snowbanks with no problems. Anyway, for the longest time, one of her headlights has been
dim. As is the way of things, it just kept getting dimmer and dimmer. Right now, it's on the verge of actually
sucking light into it in order to function. It's extremely dim, but NOT OUT YET! It's a trooper....So we're on
our way home, and as soon as we passed a driveway, a police car pulled out behind us. Right away, Kelsey said, "He's
going to pull us over for my headlight. I just know he is." We figured he was waiting, cuz we were kinda in a
bad place to be pulled over -- no real curbs or side streets. So, as soon as she could, Kelsey pulled over into a gas
station parking lot. Sure enough, as soon as we turned, the police man turned on his lights and pulled us over.
He came over to the car and introduced himself. I believe his name was Officer Jacobs, but since I refuse to call anyone
by their given names, I have renamed him "Officer Stan". So Officer Stan comes over and asks for Kelsey's license and
registration, and then goes to check out whether the headlight is out out, or just semi-out. He comes back over, and
says it's only semi-out, and he's going to write her one of those 5-day fix-it tickets, and it'll take a few minutes.
Officer Stan went back to his squad car to write the ticket, and Kelsey decided to turn her car off. Now, if you know
nothing about old cars with bad carbeurators, you should know this: Sometimes when you turn them off, they cough and
sputter for a bit. Well, Kelsey's car coughed and sputtered for about 5 minutes straight. Each time we thought
it would stop, it JUST....KEPT....GOING....By the time the car actually did shut off, Kelsey and I were just completely laughing
our heads off...The one time we get pulled over, and her car has to put on a show. Anyway, Officer Stan came back over
to the car and explained how the ticket works. Then he handed Kelsey's license and registration back to her. Along
with her registration, he handed her back a map that she'd had clipped to her registration. That's when he said, "Oh,
this map was clipped to registration. I know my way around town, thanks." Then, the ever-observant Officer Stan
said, "Uhhh....Your car was making some interesting noises...." By golly, he's a genius! Kelsey and I started
laughing all over again, and Kelsey said, "Yeah, I'm looking into getting a new one." Officer Stan (genius!) said, "Meh...Don't
bother. Just run this one into the ground." That started us laughing all over again. After he left, Kelsey
and I decided that we should mark her house and other locations of interest on her map, just in case she gets pulled over
again, to make it funner. And we'll never forget Officer Stan or Kelsey's possessed car. The End.
So that's my story. I apologize if you actually took the time to read this, since it is a complete
waste of time. However, on the upside, it is a true story, so consider yourself enlightened.
My new story of the month. It's entitled "Sweet Moses! I'm a genius!"
Okay, I finally decided to add another story of the month to my collection. It's not as
long, or as funny, but I think I'll be famous someday for it. It's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm bored to tears.
There's nothing to do, and mom's playing God with the houseplants ("I think I'll let this one live for a little longer...."
or "It's time this one goes down...."). So I'm laying on the couch, trying to figure out what I should do with my bored
self. On the coffee table in front of me, I notice my lime green recorder (you know -- the fake flute instrument thingy)
from my Music for the Elementary Teacher class. Now, I learned how to play this instrument, and it is quite possibly
the most obnoxious instrument ever created, after the kazoo. So what do I do? I find a way to mix it with the
most obnoxious instrument ever created -- the kazoo. Instead of just playing it like it's supposed to be played, I kind
of hummed while I was playing it, creating a entirely new obnoxious instrument. Anyway, mom kept saying it wasn't annoying,
but then she wouldn't agree that I was a genius for creating a new instrument -- the kazoo-a-corder. Either way, the
conversation was ended when I quit playing, declaring, "There's a lot of spit in this thing...."
*Brand Spankin' New!!!*
(I know, I know....The kazoo thing was this month's story....Actually, I consider that to be more of a copyright.
And actually, this isn't a story either. It's more of a "I'm bored on a Wednesday" story.) Without further ado,
here is the story that I shall simply call "12-8-04"
First of all, let me set this up for you. It's about 12:30 on a Wednesday afternoon.
I am stuck in a computer lab at school, because my Physics class gets out at 10:50, and I don't have class again until 5:30
at night, and I'm just too lazy to get in my car and drive all the way home and then all the way back again later. So,
I'm at school, and I decide that since I'm about to black out from hunger, I'll run to the local Taco Bell and get me some
nice soft shell tacos. Well, before I can do anything, I need to get to my car, which is not parked near me.
It's parked at the South Campus, which means I need to hop on a shuttle bus to get to my vehicle. As luck would have
it, I was the only person in my particular shuttle bus. You have to understand....I don't think I can do my shuttle
bus driver justice. He was a rather large hairy man, about 35-40 years old, wearing oversized tinted glasses.
He had on a Jeep hat, which was covering up for the fact that he was bald on top. However, he made up for this by having
the long mullet hair in the back. On the way down to South Campus he was smoking and singing along with Christmas songs
on the radio. Now, remember that I was the only person on the shuttle bus with a man happily puffing away at his cigarette
while singing "Jingle Bells" and "Santa Baby". You haven't experienced life until you've seen that...Anyway, I get to
Taco Bell, and I order my munchies....Everything's going just fine. I pull around to the window, and that's when
the trouble started. If anyone out there has been to the Taco Bell around 72nd and Dodge here in Omaha, you
know what I'm talking about here. The freakin' window is on the wrong side of the car!!! It's pretty near impossible
to get your food, unless, of course, you have a passenger in your car, or you climb over your passenger seat, roll down that
window, and get your food. Now, whoever designed this particular Taco Bell is either a) The biggest jerk on the planet
or b) The greatest comedian who ever lived. Either way, if you ever meet him, please punch him in the gut for me, because
I just wanted my tacos, not an entire workout at the drive-thru. After leaving Taco Bell, with my giant soda that I
didn't actually order (I recall requesting a small) I started back towards campus. Now, if by any chance you know me,
you know that I drive a huge 1985 Chevy Celebrity. I love my car, but it has one major design flaw. There's no
real cup holder to speak of. So, on the drive back, not only is my passenger window not all the way closed from the
drive-thru incident, but my soda keeps tipping over and spilling all over everything in the car. Right now, I'm at the
point where I'm going to have call up my dentist and ask when my appointment next week is again, since my appointment card
is now smudged with a thick layer of pure sugar. Anyway, I drive back to UNO, where I begin looking for a parking spot
up on campus, since I really don't feel like hopping on a shuttle bus at 8:30 tonight when I get out of class (see above,
and you'll understand why). Well, everyone and their mom is at campus today, since it's the week before finals, and
all the bad students are trying to convince themselves that coming to class the week before finals will improve their grades.
They're wrong, but we'll save that for another day. Either way, I was done eating my tacos, there was nothing good on
the radio, and I couldn't find a parking spot. So, I did what any self-respecting student who has almost earned a degree
would do. I parked in the faculty lot. Yeah, yeah....I'm a rebel. Maybe later I'll print off more than 20
copies in the computer lab or pull the tag off my mattress, just to prove it. You may think that the story of my absurd
lunch hour ends there. However, it does not. I was walking to Kayser Hall, so that I could get back on a computer,
when the next incident occurred. Now, in order to get from the lot that I parked in over to Kayser Hall, the quickest
way is to take a little sidewalk path that runs between the football field and the Eppley building. It's kinda hidden
and out of the way. I call it "The Best Place to Get Mugged After Dark on UNO's Campus", but I'm pretty sure the University
has a different name for it. Anyway, I'm walking along, happy as a clam (don't have a clue what that means, but
it's a widely accepted saying, so I'll use it), when I notice that up ahead, there are a couple of Army-looking guys
in fatigues walking around with a tray of baked goods trying to sell them to few passers-by dumb enough to use the mugging
path. Now, I'm a little paranoid, so I try to avoid buying baked goods from strangers. Anyway, as I passed
them, they were busy completing a transaction with someone else, so I thought I was safe. I think the girl
walking behind me assumed the same thing, because when we heard them yelling "Wanna buy some cookies?!?", we both started
walking faster. One of them came up and stopped both of us, and asked if we wanted to buy some. Since I just
finished eating tacos (yum!) I declined, as did the girl next to me. We continued walking, but then we heard
from the other guy "Wait...I'll get 'em!" Great. I've now become a "project". From behind me, I hear
heavy footsteps, and the second guy comes running up, breathing really hard. He says, "I'm sooo glad I caught you guys!!!
I ran all the way over here to see if you guys wanted some delicious cookies." Now, at this point, I was wondering
when the Army started training their recruits to act like Girl Scouts, but all I said was that I'd just finished
lunch. But they wouldn't take no for an answer. They just kept asking and asking (by the way, by this time, the
other girl had escaped. I feel a little better knowing that I helped spare someone else). Finally, just to get
them away from me, I offered to just donate a dollar to whatever the heck they were trying to earn money for. They agreed,
but as I was walking away, they decided that I NEEDED to take a cookie. That started a whole other thing. I didn't
want a cookie. I was full on tacos, and I couldn't foresee myself being un-full in the next couple of hours. Finally,
just so that they would move out of my way, I took a cookie. At least they seemed grateful. Either way, I now
have anger issues with Taco Bell's drive thru, I'm probably gonna get a ticket for parking in the faculty lot, and I have
a mystery cookie in my coat pocket that I will never eat. All in all, it was a good lunch hour.
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